Original Broadway Cast

DAN

Who's crazy, the husband or wife?

Who's crazy to live their whole life

Believing that somehow things aren't as bazaar as they are?



Who's crazy, the one who can't cope?

Or maybe, the one who'll still hope?

The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?



And I was a wild twenty-five,

And I loved a wife so alive.

But now I believe I would settle for one who can drive.



DR. MADDEN

...The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong white ones.

The white ones with the round yellow ones, but not with the trapezoidal green ones.

Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, use a mortar and pestle to grind…



DIANA

My psychopharmacologist and I.

It's like an odd romance:

Intense and very intimate, we do our dance.



My psychopharmacologist and I.

Call it a lover's game.

He knows my deepest secrets.

I know his... name!



And though he'll never hold me

He'll always take my calls.

It's truly like he told me

Without a little lift, the ballerina falls.



CAST

Do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.



DR. MADDEN

Goodman, Diana: Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes.

Sixteen year history of medication.

Adjustment after one week.



DIANA

I've got less anxiety but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes.



CAST

Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh.



DR. MADDEN

So we'll try again. Eventually, we'll get it right.



DIANA

Not a very exact science, is it?



CAST

Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanex, Depacon, Chronaphin, Ambien, Prozac,

Ativan calms me when I see the bills.

These are a few of my favorite pills.



DIANA

Ooh, Thank you, doctor, Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?



DR. MADDEN

Goodman, Diana: Second adjustment after three weeks.

Delusions less frequent, but depressive state worse.



DIANA

I'm nauseous and I'm constipated, completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds, which, you know, is just not fair.



CAST

May cause the following side effects, one or more:

Dizziness, drowsiness, sexual dysfunction,



GROUP 1

Headaches and tremors, nightmares and seizures.



GROUP 2

(unknown), constipation, nervous laughter, palpitations,



BOTH

Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia, irritability,

Nausea, vomiting,



DIANA

Odd and alarming sexual feelings



CAST

OH! And one last thing:

Use may be fatal.

Use may be fatal.

Use may be fatal.



DR. MADDEN

Goodman, Diana: Third adjustment after five weeks.

Reports continue: mild anxiety and some lingering depression.



DIANA

I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason.

Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex.

Although, whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.



DR. MADDEN

I'm sure it's the medicine.



DIANA

Oh, thank you, that's very sweet, but my husband's waiting in the car.



DAN

Who's crazy, the one who's half gone?

Or maybe, the one who holds on?

Remembering when she was twenty, and brilliant and bold.

And I was so young, and so dumb.

And now I am old.



DAN

And she was wicked and wired.

The sex was simply inspired.

Now there's no sex, she's depressed

And me, I'm just tired, tired, tired, tired

Who’s crazy

The one who’s uncured

Or maybe the one who’s implored

The one who has treatment, or the one who just deals with the pain



DIANA

And though he'll never hold me

He'll always taken my calls

It's truly like he told me

Without a lift the ballerina falls.

My psychopharmacologist and I...

He’s at every sight I lie

Without you I die

My psychopharmacologist and I





DAN

They say love is blind...

But believe me, love is insane.



DR. MADDEN

Goodman, Diana: Seven weeks.



DIANA

I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything.



DR. MADDEN

Hm. Patient stable.


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